Seeking Guidance and Perspectives
**Age: 25, Female**
I find myself in need of some thoughtful advice, so I sincerely hope you take the time to read my story and share your honest thoughts. I appreciate your consideration and wish everyone here strength and healing for the journey ahead.
**A Brief Background:** Approximately two years ago, in December 2023, I took a single dose of Lexapro to cope with my overwhelming depression. I constantly expressed to those around me that all I felt was sadness. The morning after taking that pill, I woke up feeling entirely disconnected from reality. Battling health anxiety, I turned to Reddit to read about Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction (PSSD), and made a few posts using an old account. The responses were disheartening, leaving me feeling as though I had irrevocably altered the course of my life.
The worry consumed my existence for an entire year. I found myself perpetually scrolling online forums, consulting various doctors in a state of panic, convinced that I had ruined everything. During this tumultuous period, my boyfriend was treating me poorly and was unfaithful, which led to a painful breakup that left me heartbroken.
The point I want to emphasize is that I repeatedly conveyed to my therapists and doctors that I felt emotionally numb and was experiencing symptoms of anhedonia. Nevertheless, I still experienced joy, sadness, and anxiety—just dulled. Soon after, I entered another relationship that I believed was transformative. My sex drive appeared to diminish, and while I attributed this to the Lexapro, I wondered if my worries fed into it after reading similar concerns online. During intimacy, my mind would race, questioning whether I felt sensations as I once did. However, I could still achieve orgasm, often feeling so sensitive that I would ask my partner to pause.
**Overview of My Current State:** Fast forward to today—although I have encountered numerous ups and downs over the past two years, life has been manageable for the most part. Yet, the concern over possibly experiencing PSSD lingers in the back of my mind. I’ve noticed fluctuations in my emotional numbness; I feel alive and different when I love someone. There are moments that still make me blush, and I often feel anxiety mixed with excitement around those I’m attracted to, sometimes experiencing butterflies in my stomach. While I still smile spontaneously and can feel a rush of excitement from good news, such moments are fleeting. I have the ability to orgasm, and I still experience intense arousal. Recently, during a massage, I didn’t feel that ethereal sensation that previously overtook my body. It seems that I cry often and frequently feel emotionally dulled. Just the other day, I found myself laughing uncontrollably after slipping on ice.
Through it all, I’ve shared laughter with friends and family during many joyous moments. Although my libido has waned, I’ve discovered some sparks of desire at times, and I can achieve orgasm with a vibrator even through my clothing. I acknowledge it may sound odd, yet I perform this action to reassure myself of my capacity to feel anything at all. A few months back on vacation with my boyfriend, I experienced a heightened libido and even reached orgasm from his gentle touch. There might be some desensitization pertaining to my genitals, which could stem from overthinking.
**My Question for You:** Based on my experiences, do you believe I am grappling with PSSD, or could this merely be indicative of deep-seated major depression and dissociation? Is it possible my challenges stem from that one Lexapro pill I took two years ago? I often feel like I’m lost in a haze, disconnected for much of the time, while occasionally, I experience bursts of normalcy throughout the month. I still find joy in cooking and have moments of energy where I sing and dance in front of the mirror, sharing those joyful updates with friends. Yet, I feel something is missing—like a vital connection that needs restoration. I'm returning to therapy soon, as the last few years have been particularly difficult due to grief and experiences of abuse, both physical and emotional.
Recently, I watched a TED talk from someone who battled major depression and found hope years later. Their concluding statement resonated with me: "The feeling I have right now is that I don’t want to die; I want to live forever.” I aspire to reach that feeling myself someday.
Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. Even though tears may accompany my words, I hope I am not destined to remain trapped in this state. I welcome any questions or insights you may have.
Wishing peace, love, and healing to everyone. ♥️
Bipolar DisorderAnxietyDepression