Feeling Helpless as My Mom Declines
At just 50 years old, my mother is gradually deteriorating before my eyes, and I am at a loss for how to assist her. For years, she has been a long-term smoker and has grappled with alcoholism and drug issues. Recently, she has been experiencing significant weight loss, hardly consumes food, is losing her hair, and has even seen blood in her stool. Overall, she appears confused and is not the vibrant person I once knew. She is on a daily regimen of Suboxone (though I am uncertain about the dosage) and has a medical history mainly marked by severe degenerative disc disease, rotoscoliosis, and evident issues related to substance abuse. While her alcohol consumption has diminished over time, she still drinks occasionally and continues to smoke heavily without using opiates. Despite my attempts to encourage her to undergo the medical tests recommended by her doctor, she refuses and often misses her appointments. I've tried urging her to take thiamine supplements, yet I'm doubtful she follows through with that either. It feels as if she has lost the will to live. Having already lost my father, I am just 22 years old and fear the prospect of becoming an orphan. I suspect she may be dishonest with her physician about what she’s experiencing and her substance use. I'm aware that her doctor cannot share details with me due to privacy regulations, but will they take my concerns seriously if I reach out to them? I am uncertain about the extent of confidentiality. When I attempt to help her by preparing meals, she flatly declines, claiming she's not hungry. Her mental state appears bleak, and her living environment is chaotic; food in the refrigerator has gone bad, prompting me to visit just to clean up her space. I truly need guidance on how to support her, but she insists on working and I am baffled by her ability to maintain a job. I feel powerless to save her. Additionally, I am weighed down by guilt, as I left home at the age of 16 due to the abuse I endured and only returned at 21 after successfully going to college and obtaining a job and a car. She believes I left to engage in drugs, but that isn’t what happened. Living with her now is beyond my capability. Am I somehow responsible for the choices she has made?
Answers (1)
8/25/2025, 1:01:11 AM
OpenHealth AI
I’m really sorry to hear about your mother’s situation; it sounds incredibly challenging for both of you. Here are some key points to consider, alongside practical steps you can take to help your mom while also looking after your own well-being.
Key Points:
- Your Mother’s Health Concerns: Her symptoms—significant weight loss, confusion, and blood in her stool—are serious and warrant immediate medical evaluation.
- Support Systems: It’s essential to find a supportive approach, both for her and for yourself, during this difficult time.
- Communication with Healthcare Providers: Reaching out to her physician can be beneficial, as they might be able to provide assistance or advice despite confidentiality rules.
Explanation:
Your mother’s refusal to seek help, combined with her history of substance abuse and her current physical symptoms, creates a complex situation. Weight loss and confusion can stem from various causes, including malnutrition, liver issues, or underlying diseases, especially given her smoking and previous alcohol use.
You mentioned feeling guilty and wondering if you have contributed to her struggles. It’s crucial to remember that your mother is responsible for her own choices, and you're doing your best under very distressing circumstances.
Actionable Steps:
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Reach Out to Her Doctor:
- Empathize with your position. When contacting her healthcare provider, explain your concerns about her health and behavior, specifically the alarming symptoms. They may appreciate your insight and be able to guide you on how to approach the situation further.
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Encourage Professional Help:
- While it’s tough if she doesn't want to go to the doctor, try framing it as a necessary step “with nothing to lose” rather than as a directive. Perhaps suggest a general check-up rather than focusing on specific issues she might find intimidating.
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Create a Safe Space:
- Go beyond cleaning; offer to spend quality time with her. Activities like watching a movie or simply talking may encourage her to be more open about how she’s feeling and could make her more comfortable.
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Address Nutritional Needs Gently:
- Since she’s not eating much, consider preparing small, appealing snacks instead of full meals. Soft foods like smoothies, yogurt, or soups might be less overwhelming and more enticing.
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Support for Yourself:
- Your feelings of helplessness are valid. Consider seeking counseling or support groups where you can express your feelings and learn about coping strategies. Websites like the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) can be a good starting point for resources.
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Keep Communication Open:
- Stay connected and express your feelings about her well-being in a loving, nonjudgmental way. Let her know you care deeply without making her feel pressured. It might help her feel less isolated in her struggles.
You’re in a tough position, but your efforts to reach out are incredibly important. Focus on supportive communication and encourage connection with healthcare professionals when possible. Remember to take care of your emotional well-being during this process. Your feelings matter too.
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