Feeling Overwhelmed by OCD: Seeking Help, But Unsure What It Will Achieve
I’m a woman in my late 20s residing in Canada. I regularly consume cannabis and take a daily dose of sertraline (100mg) along with over-the-counter allergy medications such as Blexten. Occasionally, I use generic XR Adderall. My medical background includes a diagnosis of ADHD and several allergies, plus physical health issues like endometriosis and having one kidney, but those specifics are not central to this discussion. I genuinely feel that I’m exerting every effort possible in managing my situation, which makes me hesitant to approach a doctor for assistance, fearing I might merely be wasting their time. I currently rely on walk-in clinics since I don’t have a family physician, and I'm on the waiting list for outpatient treatment related to an eating disorder. Having been diagnosed with OCD at the age of 16, it's been over a decade since I’ve navigated this condition. Throughout these years, I've engaged in therapy, tried antidepressants, and even participated in a clinical trial that initially yielded great results. Unfortunately, once the trial was extended, I could no longer attend due to transportation issues, and I’ve been off that medication for over two years now. A personal tragedy in 2024 led me to stop taking sertraline for most of the year, as I lost sight of the importance of my health. However, since the start of 2025, I’ve been diligent about my medication intake, having only occasionally skipped doses, ensuring I adhere to the prescribed routine 98% of the time. Reflecting on my journey with OCD fills me with a mixture of absurdity and shame—not about having the disorder itself, which I am open to discussing and educating others about, but rather regarding the extent to which it has influenced my life. My OCD manifestations have spanned a wide range, from an aversion to bleach due to fear, incessantly checking locks and lights, health-related obsessions, to perfectionism and scrupulosity. While many of these symptoms have become manageable, a resurgence of obsessive thoughts, particularly around moral scrupulosity, has surfaced recently, leading me to dark places where I feel an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. For instance, I might accidentally nudge a family member's belongings while vacuuming, which triggers an immediate spiral of self-loathing where I convince myself I am disrespectful and unworthy. It’s shocking how such minor incidents can plunge me into feelings of despair, even if I rectify the situation immediately and know rationally that my family wouldn’t mind. The fear that my perceived imperfections reflect on my value as a person looms large. At times, the intensity of these feelings immobilizes me, leaving me to sit in anguish, where I might reach out to friends in tears. However, I often find myself feeling guilty for burdening them with my struggles, feeling like I’m an inconvenience with all the challenges they face in their own lives. Expressing my fears to a busy doctor seems daunting, especially when they may be unaware of the nuance behind these seemingly trivial experiences that, in my mind, amount to emotional catastrophes. I have a supportive therapist, but I cannot afford to attend sessions at this time, especially as I search for employment following my recent college graduation. The job market is particularly challenging in my area right now. I have no interest in trying benzodiazepines; I'm already using marijuana to cope, and I’d prefer to avoid adding another dependency. One of my family members has struggled with benzodiazepine dependency, and I have witnessed the impact of addiction through my parent’s issues with crack cocaine, making me wary of creating further dependency. I often worry that medical professionals might expect me to seek quick-fix medications like benzos, which I consciously avoid. I have always been cautious with medications, not having taken anything stronger than Tylenol until I turned 20, and even hesitated with certain childhood vaccinations. I prefer exploring sustainable coping mechanisms; quick fixes like reassurance from others only create additional hurdles in managing my OCD. Given all this, I question whether visiting a doctor is beneficial, especially with a clinic physician I've seen only a couple of times regarding my antidepressant. I tend to be quite emotional, and the prospect of breaking down in front of a doctor is daunting. I feel I am doing all I can with the resources available to me, and if that’s insufficient, I am at a loss for what more could be done. There’s an ongoing confusion about the workings of my mind, especially when my life appears stable—I’m in a loving relationship, actively preparing for an exciting career with an upcoming licensing exam, and although money is tight, I'm managing my basic needs. An important aspect to note is that these intrusive thoughts echo my experiences growing up from ages 5 to 19, though not from the family with whom I currently reside. While I do share a home with a passive-aggressive individual who can trigger my anxiety, I mostly enjoy a peaceful living environment and have distanced myself from toxic dialogue for nearly eight years, bolstered by extensive therapy. To clarify, I cultivate my own cannabis, so my financial investment in it is minimal.
Answers (1)
6/17/2025, 5:31:15 PM
OpenHealth AI
It sounds like you are experiencing significant distress from your OCD, particularly with the resurgence of intrusive thoughts and feelings of worthlessness. It's understandable to feel overwhelmed and hesitant about seeking help, especially given your experiences and concerns about burdening others or encountering a quick-fix mindset from medical professionals. However, reaching out for support and exploring options can be a crucial step in managing your condition effectively.
Explanation
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can be a challenging condition, especially when symptoms intensify. You’ve demonstrated resilience through past treatments and therapies, but it's also important to recognize when additional support may be beneficial.
Your desire for sustainable coping methods and hesitance towards medications like benzodiazepines reflects a thoughtful approach to your health, especially considering your family history. Addressing the underlying issues of OCD, such as intrusive thoughts and moral scrupulosity, may require a multifaceted approach, including therapy, medication adjustments, or lifestyle changes.
Next Steps
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Consider Reaching Out to a Healthcare Professional:
- Even if it's daunting, a visit to a healthcare provider—like a walk-in clinic—can be beneficial. Prepare a list of your current feelings and symptoms to share, which can make it easier to communicate your concerns without overwhelming emotion. Remember, this is a safe space for you to express your needs.
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Discuss Treatment Options:
- Update your doctor about your experiences with sertraline and any recent changes in your symptoms. Ask about possible adjustments or options such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), specifically Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), which can be very effective for OCD.
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Utilize Support Networks:
- Continue to lean on your supportive therapist or friends, even when you feel you might be a burden. Honest conversations can also help them understand how they can best support you without feeling overwhelmed.
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Practice Self-Compassion:
- Acknowledge that it's okay to feel vulnerable and that your feelings are valid. Consider incorporating mindfulness or grounding techniques into your daily routine to help with obsessive thoughts. Practices like meditation, journaling, or even creative outlets may provide some relief.
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Monitor Triggers and Patterns:
- Keep a journal documenting when intrusive thoughts arise and what situations trigger them. This record can help you identify patterns and discuss these with a healthcare provider or therapist when you revisit them.
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Engage in Positive Activities:
- Find activities that promote well-being and relaxation, such as exercise, art, or spending time in nature. This can provide a helpful distraction and reduce the intensity of obsessive thoughts.
By taking these steps, you're not just addressing the symptoms of OCD but also empowering yourself to understand and manage your mental health better. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, not a weakness, despite any fears you may have. You deserve support in navigating this journey.
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