Struggling with Suicidal Thoughts
**Age**: 16 (turning 17 in August) **Height**: Approximately between 4'10" and 5'0" (I need to recheck.) **Weight**: Below the recommended range. **Health Background**: I have generally enjoyed good health and have not faced any severe medical issues in my life. **Medications**: Currently, I am not on any prescriptions; I used to take gummy vitamins. In 2021, I contracted Covid-19, but my experience was mild and included excessive mucus, fatigue, and a temporary loss of taste and smell. I don't want to attribute my current feelings to that illness since I'm uncertain if there's a direct link. I suspect I may have some vitamin deficiencies. --- Prior to experiencing these symptoms, I went through significant stress between the ages of 11 and 14. I lost my father when I was around 10-11 years old. Witnessing his hallucinations and the distress of his final moments in the next room was traumatic. Shortly thereafter, my older step-brother—aged 17-18 at the time—physically assaulted me, leading me to sob uncontrollably. Additionally, I stumbled upon some horrifying content online that left me feeling disturbed and uneasy. During this turbulent period, I endured months of cyberbullying, name-calling, and harassment from peers both in-person and online, which escalated to suicidal thoughts during my 11-12 age range. I also experienced familial conflicts, threats, derogatory comments, and a dangerous violation of privacy by an ex-friend. I vividly remember a degrading taunt made during a group call that my so-called friend found amusing. --- Throughout 2020, especially during the peak of the cyberbullying, I found myself crying frequently, grappling with suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges. I appeared withdrawn and angry because I failed to confront my feelings, basically disregarding them. In December of that same year, I began to feel unwell, characterized by two initial symptoms: 1. Discomfort in my upper stomach and chest, though there was no tightness present. 2. Noisy stomach growling. --- **Symptoms I’m Experiencing**: **Digestive Issues:** 1. Persistent feeling of unease in my upper stomach and chest (looked into conditions such as acid reflux and GERD). 2. Frequent stomach churning. 3. Ongoing issues with constipation. 4. Nausea and the urge to vomit, which is particularly concerning due to my emetophobia. 5. Bloating after meals or simply drinking water, possibly due to overeating or overdrinking. **Symptoms Similar to Depression**: 6. Diminished interest in activities. 7. Lack of motivation. 8. Decreased libido. 9. Thoughts of self-harm and suicidal tendencies without any inclinations to act on them. 10. Pervasive negative thinking. 11. A constant state of sadness and misery. 12. Unexplained aches and discomfort. 13. Neglected personal hygiene. **Physical Symptoms**: 14. Strange body sensations, but these subsided once I redirected my attention. 15. Tingling and buzzing sensations, particularly in my face and limbs. 16. Lightheadedness when concentrating on my breathing, though this has resolved. 17. Sensations of something stuck in my throat. **Head-Related Symptoms**: 18. Frequent headaches that have begun to lessen in duration. 19. Brief moments of unusual pressure in my head. 20. Continuously overthinking and fixating on various topics. 21. Creating imaginary scenarios involving different people or music. 22. Memory lapses. 23. Hair falling out at the ends. **Behavioral Symptoms**: 24. A tendency to zone out while pacing around home. 25. Restlessness and excessive movement, now diminished. 26. Occasionally tugging at my hair. 27. Avoidance behaviors emerging towards activities I once enjoyed. 28. Becoming easily irritated or angry at minor things. **Hallucination-like Experiences**: 29. Occasionally seeing shadowy figures in my peripheral vision, which vanish upon direct focus. 30. Experiencing an unpleasant taste reminiscent of vomit at times. 31. Mistakenly hearing my mother call me, though she did not. **Additional Symptoms**: 32. Fluctuation in symptoms over time. 33. Introduction of new symptoms, some being transient while others persist. 34. Stability in certain symptoms without worsening. 35. Variation in the severity of symptoms, sometimes improving, then intensifying or remaining unchanged. **Breathing and Cardiac Symptoms**: 36. Consistently rapid heart rate upon waking and through periods of sleep. 37. Breathing noticeably quick through my chest rather than my abdomen. 38. Experiencing skipped heartbeats, although the fluttering has lessened. **Reflections on Past Urges**: 39. Despite no longer having suicidal urges, the thoughts linger. 40. Previous episodes of aggression towards others have subsided but trigger unusual sensations in my body. 41. Former violent impulses are no longer present. I understand that online assessments are inadequate for diagnosis, yet I’m seeking solace and support since I cannot consult with a healthcare professional at this moment. I apologize if I’ve omitted any symptoms; I can update my post later if necessary. I feel trapped in a state of despair and struggle to envision a future for myself if this turmoil continues. The uncertainty about my recovery weighs heavily on me, especially when I recall how vibrant and healthy I once was before life’s hardships took a toll on me. I now find myself lost, uncertain if healing is even possible.
Answers (1)
3/24/2025, 11:31:03 PM
OpenHealth AI
I'm truly sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. The symptoms and experiences you’ve described suggest a significant amount of distress and challenge, particularly in the areas of mental health and emotional well-being. It’s important to acknowledge that you’re not alone in feeling this way, and it is possible to find help and support.
Main Points:
- Persistent suicidal thoughts, alongside a range of emotional and physical symptoms, can indicate a need for comprehensive support.
- It's crucial to reach out to someone who can provide immediate help and guidance.
- In the meantime, there are steps you can take to help manage your feelings and symptoms.
Explanation:
Your history of trauma, bullying, and loss, combined with current mental health symptoms like sadness, lack of motivation, and suicidal thoughts, can create significant emotional pain. These feelings can often lead to a cycle of despair, but it’s important to understand that recovery is possible and support is available.
The physical symptoms you're experiencing—like rapid heart rate, headaches, digestive discomfort—can often occur alongside anxiety and depression. These symptoms may worsen your overall experience, making it harder to cope.
Next Steps:
-
Reach Out for Support:
- If you haven’t done so, please consider talking to a trusted adult, such as a family member, teacher, or school counselor. Sharing your feelings can be a vital step toward healing.
- It’s also important to speak to a mental health professional, whether through school resources or local mental health services. Organizations like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK) provide confidential support.
-
Self-Help Strategies:
- Journaling: Start writing down your thoughts and feelings daily. This practice can help you process emotions and might bring clarity.
- Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises: Practice deep breathing techniques or mindfulness meditation to help manage anxiety and promote relaxation. Apps like Headspace or Calm can guide you through this.
- Physical Activity: Try to integrate some form of light exercise or movement into your daily routine, like walking or stretching. Exercise can improve mood through the release of endorphins.
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Nutrition and Lifestyle:
- Consider a balanced diet, as proper nutrition can impact your mental health. If you suspect vitamin deficiencies, think about including fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins in your meals.
- Ensure regular sleep patterns by establishing a calming bedtime routine to improve your overall energy and mood.
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Limit Harmful Influences:
- Stay away from harmful situations online, such as negative or triggering content that reminds you of past trauma. Curate your social media feeds to include positive influences or supportive communities.
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Emergency Plan:
- Create a list of contacts (like friends, family, or hotlines) that you can reach out to immediately when your thoughts become overwhelming.
Your feelings are valid, and while the road ahead may seem daunting, steps can be taken to improve your state of mind and situation. Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength. You are worthy of support and care, and healing is indeed possible.
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